If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you would have seen me post this week regarding a memory that came up from five years ago. A time when I felt like I was at the peak of my success. The FB memory that came up was a video clip of me on a big stage at a sold-out event of 600 people sharing my weight loss story. This was one of my biggest goals, and in that moment it was realized. In so many ways the beginning of 2015 was my high point in life… And honestly, it came crashing down quicker than I ever would have imagined and it has been quite the freaking fight to try and get myself back up again.
See, at the beginning of 2015, I had a lot of my goals realized
I had earned my largest paycheck with Beachbody, I went on an all-expenses-paid trip to Cancun that I had earned through Beachbody, my husband and I paid off all of our debt, and I got to share my weight loss story on stage in front of 600 people at a sold-out Autumn Calabrese event. Autumn Calabrese is one of the Beachbody Celebrity Trainers in case you are unaware. So… That event was quite a big deal because I shared the stage with her and well… She is a CELEBRITY GUYS! (I say this with a slight eye roll now).
See how almost all of my amazing accomplishments there had to do with Beachbody? Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket.
Anyways, I see this memory come up on FB and two things initially hit me first:
- WoW! I was SO much smaller back then… yet, I don’t remember *feeling* smaller… Like, I realize that my body has fluctuated a lot of weight in the last 7 years, but it’s always felt the same, no matter what weight I’m at.
- I remember wearing that hoodie in that very warm room on that very warm stage with all the very warm lights shining on me simply because I was concerned people might notice that I have gained some weight since that HUGE FRICKEN BLOWN-UP picture beside me was taken. (They literally had on the screen beside me “SUCCESS STORY – LARA CURRY” with a huge blown up before and after weight loss pic of mine).
The thing is that I had gained a TON of people’s respect simply because of my “amazing” weight loss. I was admired and treated in a way that I had never experienced before in my life and honestly, I finally felt like I was accepted like I FIT IN. Side story – when I went to get certified in Reiki I remember my teacher asking me if I felt like a fish out of water in life…Like I had trouble “fitting in”…and I remember feeling so UNDERSTOOD at that moment… Like I had never thought of it that way before, but yes absolutely YES, I never feel as though I fit in anywhere… Well, Beachbody (ie my weight loss), made me feel like I finally fit in somewhere.
So, at this event, at what I considered to be the peak of my success, I was struggling. Like if there was a struggle bus, I was on it for the long haul already at this point. I had already gained back about 20 lbs from my lowest weight, as I mentioned I was very aware and self-conscious of this fact at this event. I was suffering from binge eating disorder and had even taken laxatives and done extra-long workouts to help compensate for the binges – which I later learned is a form of bulimia (I thought bulimia was just making yourself throw up after binging, but it’s actually to compensate for a binge in any way to try and “undo” the binge). I didn’t compensate for my binges all the time which is why I don’t totally say that I suffered from bulimia, but I did binge quite frequently, at the peak I was binging daily.
I felt like I had to keep up a total facade. Like if anyone actually knew that I had gained back 20 lbs and/or how badly I was struggling to “control” my food intake they would lose all respect for me. This was my WHOLE WORLD back then, so it was terrifying!
A typical day in my life at this point looked something like this:
- Get up and put off eating for along as I possibly can cuz Intermittent Fasting bro.
- Eat as little as possible all throughout the day, while using my portion control containers to measure out the exact right amount of food
- Feel so hungry in the evening due to not eating enough during the day
- Some evenings I’d ignore the hunger by working out, drinking lots of water, or going to bed early… But usually, I would finally cave and allow myself a “little” snack that usually would end in a full binge
- Feel horrible about myself. Asking myself “what is wrong with me?” and wondering why I can’t have any control around food like a “normal” person
- Wake up the next day and do it all again
It all came quickly crashing down
A few months after this event my brother unexpectedly passed away, my binge eating was getting even worse, and so was my weight gain. Sure, I definitely was using my eating disorder to numb some painful emotions, but I really don’t think it would have been near as terrible without all the restriction and dieting that I was trying to do.
I was with Beachbody for two more years after this and by the time I left Beachbody I had almost gained all the weight I previously lost back. I remember those last couple of years being such a struggle because I felt completely inauthentic. I was sitting there telling people what to do to lose weight, still sharing my before and after pics, while getting more and more creative with the pics. I’d have enough success in a short period of time to be able to get a good before and after shot, but if anyone were to sit there and put all my transformation pics side by side they would have noticed that overall I was actually getting bigger. And really, deep down inside, I was terrified of losing my whole community. I was scared of losing everyone’s respect and eventually I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I ended up leaving Beachbody for a ketone MLM (ha!). But ultimately, I just needed out of there. I put way too much pressure on my body size, and honestly, we have ZERO control over our weight so it was literally ruining my life. I let a lot of people down when I decided to leave and I lost my whole community. Slowly over the last couple of years since leaving Beachbody, I found myself in a deep depression that I finally feel myself emerging from.
The biggest problem in all of this
This issue stems, ultimately, from all the praise that I received when I lost weight. To be so praised and admired for losing weight sends the message that there was something wrong with my fat body (fat being used here as a reclaimed word, it’s simply a descriptor). This is why I feel that praising people for losing weight can be extremely problematic. You never know what that person is actually doing to lose weight or to keep that weight off. There is a reason that eating disorders are so prevalent in the western world these days.
Through Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size, I stopped pursuing weight loss and vowed to never diet again back in October of 2018. My binge eating is completely gone and I finally have achieved being able to eat like a “normal” person. I’ve realized that I am so much more than my weight or my weight loss and I look forward to meeting new people who respect me no matter what my body size is!
If you are still struggling with ditching dieting make sure to grab my free ebook HERE where I share my 5 steps to end dieting for good. Also, make sure to join our free community on Facebook HERE for all things food freedom, intuitive eating, and non-diet.
Thanks for reading!